Theadvanceofregretcanbesogradualthatitisimpossibletosay“yesterdayIwashappy,todayIamnot.”AtnoonemomentdidLiliarealizethathermarriagewasafailureyetduringthesummerandautumnshebecameasunhappyasitwaspossibleforhernaturetobe.Shehadnounkindtreatment,andfewunkindwords,fromherhusband.Hesimplyleftheralone.Inthemorninghewentouttodo“business,”which,asfarasshecoulddiscover,meantsittingintheFarmacia.Heusuallyreturnedtolunch,afterwhichheretiredtoanotherroomandslept.Intheeveninghegrewvigorousagain,andtooktheairontheramparts,oftenhavinghisdinnerout,andseldomreturningtillmidnightorlater.Therewere,ofcourse,thetimeswhenhewasawayaltogether—atEmpoli,Siena,Florence,Bologna—forhedelightedintravel,andseemedtopickupfriendsalloverthecountry.Liliaoftenheardwhatafavoritehewas.
Shebegantoseethatshemustassertherself,butshecouldnotseehow.Herself-confidence,whichhadoverthrownPhilip,hadgraduallyoozedaway.Ifsheleftthestrangehousetherewasthestrangelittletown.Ifsheweretodisobeyherhusbandandwalkinthecountry,thatwouldbestrangerstill—vastslopesofolivesandvineyards,withchalk-whitefarms,andinthedistanceotherslopes,withmoreolivesandmorefarms,andmorelittletownsoutlinedagainstthecloudlesssky.“Idon’tcallthiscountry,”shewouldsay.“Why,it’snotaswildasSawstonPark!”And,indeed,therewasscarcelyatouchofwildnessinit—someofthoseslopeshadbeenundercultivationfortwothousandyears.Butitwasterribleandmysteriousallthesame,anditscontinuedpresencemadeLiliasouncomfortablethatsheforgothernatureandbegantoreflect.
Shereflectedchieflyabouthermarriage.Theceremonyhadbeenhastyandexpensive,andtherites,whatevertheywere,werenotthoseoftheChurchofEngland.Liliahadnoreligioninherbutforhoursatatimeshewouldbeseizedwithavulgarfearthatshewasnot“marriedproperly,”andthathersocialpositioninthenextworldmightbeasobscureasitwasinthis.Itmightbesafertodothethingthoroughly,andonedayshetooktheadviceofSpiridioneandjoinedtheRomanCatho