—theywerenothingtome.Iconsideredthemonlyassomethingtobeglancedatfromadistancetheirdressesandfaceswereoftenpleasingenoughtotheeye:butIcouldnotunderstandtheirconversation,norevenreadtheircountenances.WhenIcaughtsnatchesofwhattheysaid,Icouldnevermakemuchofitandtheplayoftheirlipsandeyesdidnothelpmeatall.”
“Thatwasyourfault,nottheirs.Therearesensible,aswellashandsomewomeninX——womenitisworthanyman’swhiletotalkto,andwithwhomIcantalkwithpleasure:butyouhadandhavenopleasantaddressthereisnothinginyoutoinduceawomantobeaffable.Ihaveremarkedyousittingnearthedoorinaroomfullofcompany,bentonhearing,notonspeakingonobserving,notonentertaininglookingfrigidlyshyatthecommencementofaparty,confusinglyvigilantaboutthemiddle,andinsultinglywearytowardstheend.Isthattheway,doyouthink,evertocommunicatepleasureorexciteinterest?Noandifyouaregenerallyunpopular,itisbecauseyoudeservetobeso.”
“Content!”Iejaculated.
“No,youarenotcontentyouseebeautyalwaysturningitsbackonyouyouaremortifiedandthenyousneer.Iverilybelieveallthatisdesirableonearth—wealth,reputation,love—willforevertoyoubetheripegrapesonthehightrellis:you’lllookupatthemtheywilltantalizeinyouthelustoftheeyebuttheyareoutofreach:youhavenottheaddresstofetchaladder,andyou’llgoawaycallingthemsour.”
Cuttingasthesewordsmighthavebeenundersomecircumstances,theydrewnobloodnow.MylifewaschangedmyexperiencehadbeenvariedsinceIleftX——,butHunsdencouldnotknowthishehadseenmeonlyinthecharacterofMr.Crimsworth’sclerk—adependantamongstwealthystrangers,meetingdisdainwithahardfront,consciousofanunsocialandunattractiveexterior,refusingtosuefornoticewhichIwassurewouldbewithheld,decliningtoevinceanadmirationwhichIknewwouldbescornedasworthless.HecouldnotbeawarethatsincethenyouthandlovelinesshadbeentomeeverydayobjectsthatIhadstudiedthematleisureandclosely,andhadseentheplaintextureoftruthundertheembroideryofappearancenorcouldhe,keen-sightedashewas,penetrateintomyheart,searchmybrain,andreadmypeculiarsympathiesandantipathieshehadnotknownmelongenough,orwellenough,toperceivehowlowmyfeelingswouldebbundersomeinfluences,powerfulovermostmindshowhigh,howfasttheywouldflowunderotherinfluences,thatperhapsactedwiththemoreintenseforceonme,becausetheyactedonmealone.NeithercouldhesuspectforaninstantthehistoryofmycommunicationswithMdlle.Reutersecrettohimandtoallotherswasthetaleofherstrangeinfatuationherblandishments,herwileshadbeenseenbutbyme,andtomeonlyweretheyknownbuttheyhadchangedme,fortheyhadprovedthatICOULDimpress.A