tic."
"Whydidyouremindme?"criedJames."Iwassohappy.Oh,Ihateher!"
"Thenwhyonearthareyoumarryingher?"
"Ican'thelpitImust.You'vebroughtitallback.Howcouldyoubesocruel!WhenIcamebackfromtheCape,Ibroketheengagementoff.Imadeherutterlymiserable,andItookallthepleasureoutofmypoorfather'slife.IknewI'ddonerightIknewthatunlessIlovedheritwasmadnesstomarryIfelteventhatitwasunclean.Oh,youdon'tknowhowI'veargueditalloutwithmyselftimeaftertime!Iwasanxioustodoright,andIfeltsuchacad.Ican'tescapefrommybringing-up.Youcan'timaginewhatarethechainsthatbindusinEngland.We'rewrappedfromourinfancyintheswaddling-clothesofprejudice,ignorance,andfalseideasandwhenwegrowup,thoughweknowthey'reallabsurdandhorrible,wecan'tescapefromthemthey'vebecomepartofourveryflesh.ThenIgrewill—InearlydiedandMarynursedmedevotedly.Idon'tknowwhatcameoverme,Ifeltsoillandweak.Iwasgratefultoher.Theoldselfseizedmeagain,andIwasashamedofwhatI'ddone.Iwantedtomakethemallhappy.Iaskedheragaintomarryme,andshesaidshewould.IthoughtIcouldloveher,butIcan't—Ican't,Godhelpme!"
Jamie'spassionwasgrowinguncontrollable.Hewalkedupanddowntheroom,andthenthrewhimselfheavilyonachair.
"Oh,Iknowitwasweakness!Iusedtopridemyselfonmystrengthofmind,butI'mweak.I'mweakerthanawoman.I'mapoorreed—vacillating,uncertain,purposeless.Idon'tknowmyownmind.Ihaven'tthecouragetoactaccordingtomyconvictions.I'mafraidtogivepain.TheyallthinkI'mbrave,butI'msimplyapitifulcoward...."
"IfeelthatMaryhasentrappedme,andIhateher.Iknowshehasgoodqualities—heapsofthem—butIcan'tseethem.Ionlyknowthatthemeretouchofherhandcurdlesmyblood.SheexcitesabsolutephysicalrepulsioninmeIcan'thelpit.Iknowit'smadnesstomarryher,butIcan'tdoanythingelse.Idaren'tinflictasecondtimethehumiliationandmiseryuponher,ortheunhappinessuponmypeople."
Mrs.Wallacenowwasserious.
"Anddoyoureallycareforanyoneelse?"
Heturnedsavagelyuponher.
"YouknowIdo.