nehadneverfoundaneveningshorter.Glowingandlovelyinsensibilityandhappiness,andmoregenerallyadmiredthanshethoughtaboutorcaredfor,shehadcheerfulorforbearingfeelingsforeverycreaturearoundher.MrElliotwastheresheavoided,butshecouldpityhim.TheWallises,shehadamusementinunderstandingthem.LadyDalrympleandMissCarteret—theywouldsoonbeinnoxiouscousinstoher.ShecarednotforMrsClay,andhadnothingtoblushforinthepublicmannersofherfatherandsister.WiththeMusgroves,therewasthehappychatofperfecteasewithCaptainHarville,thekind-heartedintercourseofbrotherandsisterwithLadyRussell,attemptsatconversation,whichadeliciousconsciousnesscutshortwithAdmiralandMrsCroft,everythingofpeculiarcordialityandferventinterest,whichthesameconsciousnesssoughttoconcealandwithCaptainWentworth,somemomentsofcommunicationscontinuallyoccurring,andalwaysthehopeofmore,andalwaystheknowledgeofhisbeingthere.
Itwasinoneoftheseshortmeetings,eachapparentlyoccupiedinadmiringafinedisplayofgreenhouseplants,thatshesaid—
“Ihavebeenthinkingoverthepast,andtryingimpartiallytojudgeoftherightandwrong,ImeanwithregardtomyselfandImustbelievethatIwasright,muchasIsufferedfromit,thatIwasperfectlyrightinbeingguidedbythefriendwhomyouwilllovebetterthanyoudonow.Tome,shewasintheplaceofaparent.Donotmistakeme,however.Iamnotsayingthatshedidnoterrinheradvice.Itwas,perhaps,oneofthosecasesinwhichadviceisgoodorbadonlyastheeventdecidesandformyself,Icertainlynevershould,inanycircumstanceoftolerablesimilarity,givesuchadvice.ButImean,thatIwasrightinsubmittingtoher,andthatifIhaddoneotherwise,IshouldhavesufferedmoreincontinuingtheengagementthanIdideveningivingitup,becauseIshouldhavesufferedinmyconscience.Ihavenow,asfarassuchasentimentisallowableinhumannature,nothingtoreproachmyselfwithandifImistakenot,astrongsenseofdutyisnobadpartofawoman’sportion.”
Helookedather,lookedatLadyRussell,andlookingagainather,replied,asifincooldeliberation—
“Notyet.Buttherearehopesofherbeingforgivenintime.Itrusttobeingincharitywithhersoon.ButItoohavebeenthinkingoverthepast,andaquestionhassuggesteditself,whethertheremaynothavebeenonepersonmoremyenemyeventhanthatlady?Myownself.Tellmeif,whenIreturnedtoEnglandintheyeareight,withafewthousandpounds,andwaspostedintotheLaconia,ifIhadthenwrittentoyou,wouldyouhaveansweredmyletter?Wouldyou,inshort,haverenewedtheengagementthen?”
“WouldI!”wasallheranswerbuttheaccentwasdecisiveenough.
“GoodGod!”hecried,“youwould!ItisnotthatIdidnotthinkofit,ordesireit,aswhatcouldalonecrownallmyothersuccessbutIwasproud,tooproudtoaskagain.Ididnotunderstandyou.Ishutmyeyes,andwouldnotunderstandyou,ordoyoujustice.Thisisarecollectionwhichoughttomakemeforgiveeveryonesoonerthanmyself.Sixyearsofseparationandsufferingmighthavebeenspared.Itisasortofpain,too,whichisnewtome.IhavebeenusedtothegratificationofbelievingmyselftoearneveryblessingthatIenjoyed.Ihavevaluedmyselfonhonourabletoilsandjustrewards.Likeothergreatmenunderreverses,”headded,withasmile.“Imustendeavourtosubduemymindtomyfortune.ImustlearntobrookbeinghappierthanIdeserve.”