ationmeaningtotellyoueverythingthen.Butwehadstartedwithalie,andIgotfrightened.Andattheend,whenyouleft,Igotfrightenedagainandcamewithyou.”
“Didyoureallymeantostop?”
“Foratime,atallevents.”
“Wouldthathavesuitedanewlymarriedpair?”
“Itwouldhavesuitedthem.Lilianeededme.Andasforhim—Ican’thelpfeelingImighthavegotinfluenceoverhim.”
“Iamignorantofthesematters,”saidPhilip“butIshouldhavethoughtthatwouldhaveincreasedthedifficultyofthesituation.”
Thecrispremarkwaswastedonher.Shelookedhopelesslyattherawover-builtcountry,andsaid,“Well,Ihaveexplained.”
“Butpardonme,MissAbbottofmostofyourconductyouhavegivenadescriptionratherthananexplanation.”
Hehadfairlycaughther,andexpectedthatshewouldgapeandcollapse.Tohissurprisesheansweredwithsomespirit,“Anexplanationmayboreyou,Mr.Herriton:itdragsinothertopics.”
“Oh,nevermind.”
“IhatedSawston,yousee.”
Hewasdelighted.“SodidanddoI.That’ssplendid.Goon.”
“Ihatedtheidleness,thestupidity,therespectability,thepettyunselfishness.”
“Pettyselfishness,”hecorrected.Sawstonpsychologyhadlongbeenhisspecialty.
“Pettyunselfishness,”sherepeated.“Ihadgotanideathateveryoneherespenttheirlivesinmakinglittlesacrificesforobjectstheydidn’tcarefor,topleasepeopletheydidn’tlovethattheyneverlearnttobesincere—and,what’sasbad,neverlearnthowtoenjoythemselves.That’swhatIthought—whatIthoughtatMonteriano.”
“Why,MissAbbott,”hecried,“youshouldhavetoldmethisbefore!Thinkitstill!Iagreewithlotsofit.Magnificent!”
“NowLilia,”shewenton,“thoughtherewerethingsaboutherIdidn’tlike,hadsomehowkeptthepowerofenjoyingherselfwithsincerity.AndGino,Ithought,wassplendid,andyoung,andstrongnotonlyinbody,andsincereastheday.Iftheywantedtomarry,whyshouldn’ttheydoso?Whyshouldn’tshebreakwiththedeadeninglifewhereshehadgotintoagroove,andwouldgooninit,gettingmoreandmore—worsethanunhappy—apathetictillshedied?OfcourseIwaswrong.Sheonlychangedonegrooveforanother—aworsegroove.Andasforhim—well,youknowmoreabouthimthanIdo.Icannevertrustmyselftojudgecharactersagain.ButIstillfeelhecannothavebeenquitebadwhenwefirstmethim.Lilia—thatIshoulddaretosayit!—musthavebeencowardly.Hewasonlyaboy—justgoingtoturnintosomethingfine,Ithought—andshemusthavemismanagedhim.SothatistheonetimeIhavegoneagainstwhatisproper,andtherearetheresults.Youhaveanexplanationnow.”
“Andmuchofithasbeenmostinteresting,thoughIdon’tunderstandeverything.Didyouneverthinkofthedisparityoftheirsocialposition?”
“Weweremad—drunkwithrebellion.Wehadnocommon-sense.Assoonasyoucame,yousawandforesaweverything.”
“Oh,Idon’tthinkthat.”Hewasvaguelydispleasedatbeingcreditedwithcommon-sense.ForamomentMissAbbotthadseemedtohimmoreunconventionalthanhimself.
“Ihopeyousee,”sheconcluded,“whyIhavetroubledyouwiththislongstory.Women—Iheardyousaytheotherday—areneverateasetilltheytelltheirfaultsoutloud.Liliaisdeadandherhusbandgonetothebad—allthroughme.Yousee,Mr.Herriton,itmakesmespeciallyunhappyit’stheonlytimeI’veevergoneintowhatmyfathercalls‘reallife’—andlookwhatI’vemadeofit!AllthatwinterIseemedtobewakinguptobeautyandsplendourandIdon’tknowwhatandwhenthespringcame,IwantedtofightagainstthethingsIhated—mediocrityanddulnessa