JameswasagaininLittlePrimpton,illateaseandunhappy.ThescenewithMrs.Wallacehadbrokenhisspirit,andhewaslistlessnow,indifferenttowhathappenedtheworldhadlostitscolourandthesunitslight.Inhisquietermomentshehadknownthatitwasimpossibleforhertocareanythingabouthimheunderstoodhercharacterfairlywell,andrealisedthathehadbeenonlyatoy,apastimetoawomanwhoneededadmirationasthebreathofhernostrils.Butnotwithstanding,someinnervoicehadwhisperedconstantlythathislovecouldnotbealtogetherinvainitseemedstrongenoughtotraveltheinfinitedistancetoherheartandawakenatleastakindlyfeeling.Hewashumble,andwantedverylittle.Sometimeshehadevenfeltsurethathewasloved.Thetruthrenthisheart,andfilleditwithbitternessthewomanwhowashiswholebeinghadforgottenhim,andthewomanwholovedhimhehated....Hetriedtoread,strivingtoforgetbuthistroubleoverpoweredhim,andhecouldthinkofnothingbutthefuture,dreadfulandinevitable.Thedayspassedslowly,monotonouslyandaseachnightcameheshudderedatthethoughtthattimewasflying.Hewasdriftingonwithouthope,torturedanduncertain.
"Oh,I'msoweak,"hecried"I'msoweak!"
Heknewverywellwhatheshoulddoifhewerestrongofwill.Afirmmaninhisplacewouldcuttheknotbrutally—alettertoMary,alettertohispeople,andflight.Afterall,whyshouldhesacrificehislifeforthesakeofothers?Thecatastrophewasonlypartlyhisfaultitwasunreasonablethathealoneshouldsuffer.
IfhisColonelcametohearofthecircumstance,anddisapproving,questionedhim,hecouldsendinhispapers.Jameswasboredintenselybythedullroutineofregimentallifeintimeofpeaceitwasaquestionofperformingdayafterdaythesameratherunnecessaryduties,seeingthesamepeople,listeningtothesamechatter,thesamejokes,thesamechaff.Andaddedtotheincurabledulnessofthemesswastheirksomefeelingofbeingmerelyanovergrownschoolboyatthebeckandcallofeveryincompetentandfoolishsenior.Lifewastooshorttowasteinsuchsolemntrifling,masqueradinginaridiculouscostumewhichhadtobeleftath