iththegroombymysideasbefore,buttherewerenolovingeyeslookingatmeasImounted,nogladarmsopenedtomewhenIcameback.PerhapsImissedmymother’slovemorethanmostchildrenofsevenoreightwouldhavedone,towhomtheotherpleasuresofliferemainedasbeforeforIwascertainlyaverysensitivechild.IrememberstillthemingledtrepidationanddeliciousexcitementwithwhichIwasaffectedbythetrampingofthehorsesonthepavementintheechoingstables,bytheloudresonanceofthegroom’svoices,bytheboomingbarkofthedogsasmyfather’scarriagethunderedunderthearchwayofthecourtyard,bythedinofthegongasitgavenoticeofluncheonanddinner.ThemeasuredtrampofsoldierywhichIsometimesheard—formyfather’shouselaynearacountytownwheretherewerelargebarracks—mademesobandtrembleandyetwhentheyweregonepast,Ilongedforthemtocomebackagain.
Ifancymyfatherthoughtmeanoddchild,andhadlittlefondnessformethoughhewasverycarefulinfulfillingwhatheregardedasaparent’sduties.Buthewasalreadypastthemiddleoflife,andIwasnothisonlyson.Mymotherhadbeenhissecondwife,andhewasfive-and-fortywhenhemarriedher.Hewasafirm,unbending,intenselyorderlyman,inrootandstemabanker,butwithaflourishinggraftoftheactivelandholder,aspiringtocountyinfluence:oneofthosepeoplewhoarealwayslikethemselvesfromdaytoday,whoareuninfluencedbytheweather,andneitherknowmelancholynorhighspirits.Iheldhimingreatawe,andappearedmoretimidandsensitiveinhispresencethanatothertimesacircumstancewhich,perhaps,helpedtoconfirmhimintheintentiontoeducatemeonadifferentplanfromtheprescriptiveonewithwhichhehadcompliedinthecaseofmyelderbrother,alreadyatallyouthatEton.MybrotherwastobehisrepresentativeandsuccessorhemustgotoEtonandOxford,forthesakeofmakingconnexions,ofcourse:myfatherwasnotamantounderratethebearingofLatinsatiristsorGreekdramatistsontheattainmentofanaristocraticposition.But,intrinsically,hehadslightesteemfor“thosedeadbutsceptredspirits”havingqualifiedhimselfforforminganindependentopinionbyreadingPotter’s?schylus,anddippingintoFrancis’sHorace.Tothisnegativeviewheaddedapositiveone,derivedfromarecentconnexionwithminingspeculationsnamely,thatascientificeducationwasthereallyusefultrainingforayoungerson.Moreover,itwasclearthatashy,sensitiveboylikemewasnotfittoencountertheroughexperienceofapublicschool.Mr.Letherallhadsaidsoverydecidedly.Mr.Letherallwasalargemaninspectacles,whoonedaytookmysmallheadbetweenhislargehands,andpressedithereandthereinanexploratory,auspiciousmanner—thenplacedeachofhisgreatthumbsonmytemples,andpushedmealittlewayfromhim,andstaredatmewithglitteringspectacles.Thecontemplationappearedtodispleasehim,forhefrownedsternly,andsaidtomyfather,drawinghisthumbsacrossmyeyebrows—
“Thedeficiencyisthere,sir—thereandhere,”headded,touchingtheuppersidesofmyhead,“hereistheexcess.Thatmustbebroughtout,sir,andthismustbelaidtosleep.”
Iwasinastateoftremor,partlyatthevagueideathatIwastheobjectofreprobation,partlyintheagitationofmyfirsthatred—hatredofthisbig,spectacledman,whopulledmyheadaboutasifhewantedtobuyandcheapenit.
IamnotawarehowmuchMr.Letherallhadtodowiththesystemafterwardsadoptedtowardsme,butitwaspresentlyclearthatprivatetutors,naturalhistory,science,andthemodernlanguages,weretheappliancesbywhichthedefectsofmyorganizationweretoberemedied.Iwasverystupidaboutmachines,soIwastobegreatlyoccupiedwiththemIhadnomemoryforclassification,soitwasparticularlynecessarythatIshouldstudysystematiczoologyandbotanyIwashungryforhumandeedsandhumanemotions,soIwastobeplentifullycrammedwiththemechanicalpowers,theelementarybodies,andthephenomenaofelectricityandmagnetism.Abetter-constitutedboywouldcertainlyhaveprofitedundermyintelligenttutors,withtheirscientificapparatusandwould,doubtless,havefoundthephenomenaofelectricityandmagnetismasfascinatingasIwas,everyThursday,assuredtheywere.Asitwas,Icouldhavepairedoff,forignoranceofwhateverwastaughtme,withtheworstLatinscholarthatwaseverturnedoutofaclassicalacademy.IreadPlutarch,andShakespeare,andDonQuixotebythesly,andsuppliedmyselfinthatwaywithwanderingthoughts,whilemytutorwasassuringmethat“animprovedman,asdistinguishedfromanignorantone,wasamanwhoknewthereasonwhywaterrandownhill.”IhadnodesiretobethisimprovedmanIwasgladoftherunningwaterIcouldwatchitandlistentoitgurglingamongthepebbles,andbathingthebrightgreenwater-plants,bythehourtogether.Ididnot